Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Time to Get Serious

I Need To Make Some Plans

I have about fifty things going on at any time and I'm not doing any of them well, let me tell you. If I could just focus on 1 thing at a time, I might a) actually finish it and b) do it well.

I'm going to try that for the rest of the afternoon. I am going to do one thing at a time and squash the urge to multi-task. Which, for me, always translates to multi-buggery.

Speaking of buggery, I have been googling pictures of Malcolm Tucker and laughing like a drain at some of the memes that people have put together. I'm particularly enamored of the "Alternative 11th Doctor" series. Quality.

Monday, April 15, 2013

I'm Almost Overwhelmed by Their Ambition

Listen, We All Fuck Up Sometimes, But...

Lately, I have been distinctly underwhelmed by the graphic designers we've been working with. It's like -- listen, dude. If you don't want this job, cool. That's fine. If I'm taking you away from higher-paying, more fulfilling, better connected work -- I get it. I won't take it personally. But, you know, if that's the case: don't take the job I offer you. I mean, if you're going to half-ass it, then just...go offer your whole ass to someone else. I promise you, I will not think less of you for it.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I have to deal with this malarkey and this whole Monday has started off like crapcakes and I just really can't wait for dinner and wine.

I had a tiny piece of cake this morning, and so far, I feel ok. A little sketchy, but mostly ok. Still, though -- I wish I hadn't eaten it. I fully believe in treating yourself every once in awhile. It's good for the soul; it's good for the body! But I am starting to feel like my chubby ass needs to upgrade to some better treats. 2 week old frozen birthday cake is not the business, yo. Gimme some flan or a fruit tart or something. This cake was leftover from a friend's birthday and because I couldn't bear the thought of simply not eating the cake, I asked her to freeze  a piece so that I could eat it when I got off my fast. Can you imagine? Can you imagine being that daggone caught up in cake that you can't let even the tiniest sliver go? Family, that's ridiculous.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Soon and Very Soon

On the End of Things

My Daniel Fast ends tomorrow, but you know what? I've got half a mind to keep on with it. I don't mind telling you, I've had to become a lot more mindful of the grub I smash into my gob on a daily basis, and it's done wonders. I don't mean the weight loss, although I have lost about ...10 lbs, I think? Or even the assorted other health benefits (I just feel cleaner, somehow. Less ...I don't want to say "polluted," because I am not someone who likes to label food "good" or "bad" (or likewise, think of myself as "bad" if I eat things that aren't super healthful -- but nevertheless, I do feel like there is less gunk in the pipes, etc. etc. etc.). I just mean that I like the idea of being more aware of what I do. More active, rather than reactive. It sits well with me.

Spiritually, I do feel like I made some important breakthroughs and received some crucial guidance. That's what this was all about. The rest was just ancillary. But the nature of the beast being what it is, it's not surprising that the desires of the body should reassert themselves and clamor for attention. Grub, grub, grub. It's amazing how much energy someone (me) in a rich, industrialized nation, with little to no food insecurity can still expend on the type and quantity of grub they plan to shove in the ol' gob.

It's also astonishing how many people felt the need to try to force me back into old patterns (encouraging me to cheat, etc) or just generally undercut what I was doing by constantly fucking bringing up what I was missing -- as if a couple of weeks without chocolate or red wine were akin to leaving a pound of flesh at the church door. For goodness sakes.

I've got a cheap bottle of white wine to "celebrate" the end of the fast, but a) I may not drink any; and b) I don't really feel like celebrating as such. I think I really just felt like I had to do something to mark the occasion, but was unsure what else to do. Eating some meat or cheese right now seems horrible.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Confusing To Some

About What That Is

I just released about 5 draft posts that had been sitting around since 2008, because the site of them just lurking there for no reason was vexing my spirit. So if you're wondering what in the hell I suddenly started talking about, that's what's up. My dears.

Don't Go Into the Light, Carol Ann

Sitemeter is the devil. The devil, y'all. Do not install this satanic functionality to your blog; you will check it obsessively and it will make you crazy. You will start to armchair-detective your way around the whole internet, trying to draw people out. It will take over your life.

Having said that, I appreciate my new readers in Midrand, Gauteng (that's in South Africa, apparently. Ooooh, hark at her!) and...Claremont, New Hampshire. Welcome, losers!

A Little More Than Billy Squier, and a Lot Less Than AC/DC

White Jimmy asked me to contribute an earthquake report for Dude Weather. I refused point blank to have my voice recorded, so sent in a dispatch from the field.


The best part about this is that I got so mad that he used that wack photo. Not because of my fat fucking face, but because that photo is over two years old! I HAVE AN AFRO NOW, JIMMY. Family, I have not been lying to you for the past two years. I don't straighten my hair anymore.


  • Matthew Barney and the fucking Cremaster Cycle

Type rest of the post here

At the End of the Day

The Little Things You Say

When I lived in London, back at the dawn of time, I worked a very prestigious law firm located in The City. I was one of a number of paralegal/ legal assistants on staff, and one of the others, a law school grad, used to  say that phrase "at the end of the day," in the most lovely, graceful way. I liked hearing her speak. Lovely girl. Her name was Laura Marshall. I think. God, but it's been an age. Yes, I am sure her name was Laura Marshall. She was about 5'4" but she looked about 3' even. And she was one of those people that was just hopelessly cool and with it, you know. Very smart, very together. And the loveliest voice! We hung out quite a lot for a bit, and then we had a falling out for some reason that PROBABLY was due to my just not being able to deal with anyone else's shit for a bit, which comes up with me every so often. The thing about having friends and lovers and family is that, occasionally, they are going to drive you absolutely bananas. But if you love them and care about them, you grit your teeth or holler or moonwalk into another room and cool out. But I tend to just chunk the deuces and say vamonos. Much easier that way. More satisfying in the short term.

More devastating the long term, of course, but what do you want from me -- legitimate life advice? You poor suckers.

Anyway, Laura Marshall and I had a falling out and didn't talk as much anymore and that was that. At the end of the day, I left London and never spoke to her again. There were so many people from that time that I just left behind. Sad to remember now.

That was the year I almost died.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Holding Myself Back

I Have An Almost Uncontrollable Urge to Write This Post in the Voice of Jim Anchower

...But I won't, because I won't get it right, and then you, my legions of dedicated readers, will be disappointed. And I would hate for you darling dears to come away from your reading experience here with even the slightest lessening in regard for me. You know? So I'm not going to do it. But I want to.

Other things I want to do: eat a brownie, drink some red wine, read some Klassic Kathy Komiks from the 80s -- you know, girl stuff? Just kidding. Except for the brownies part. And the wine; although to be honest, I don't care if it's red or white or comes out of a spigot. I just need 16 oz of it in my facehole within 10 minutes, please.

So. Had a phenomenal first class at Writers Boot Camp this week. I can't wait to get further into this script. I read over a bunch of drafts last night -- drafts from way back in the dawn of time -- and you know what? Some of them are not as shitty as I remember. Some of them are MUCH shittier than I remember, but that's the joy of digging this crap up and reading it through it, years later. Sometimes you horrify yourself to no end.

You feel me, amigos?

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

And Just Like That...

On Reading The Mail When It Arrives

Last week, I was desperately waiting for a check to come in the mail (ah, the dance of the broke during the Week 'o' Rent) but wasn't paying sufficient attention to the mail as it stacked up, so the check was waiting there for me days before I realized it. And a day after I incurred a bounced check fee, no less. So you know -- read your fucking mail when it comes in. Even if it looks like a bill. Because even if it is, you're not doing yourself any favors by burying your dum-dum head in the sand.

Woke up this morning to an email from one of the people who works at Writers' Boot Camp. The email came in yesterday, but I thought it was spam, so I waited until I had a free moment to check it out. It turns out I was being offered  tuition-free entry into their newest class in exchange for a [fairly] modest amount of volunteer work. I thought I'd missed my chance, but I shot off an email anyway, and heard back right away. I'm in! Class starts tonight. I think the guy was pissed that I wrote him at 5 in the morning, but hey -- that's what he gets for keeping his phone on.

If you manage your life better than I do, you won't need tips like the ones I'm dropping in your hearholes today, but if you manage your life better than I do, then you probably aren't reading this blog.

Monday, April 08, 2013

Did I Lose A Post?

I Think I Lost a Dadblamed Post

Like I can afford to lose any of these monkey ass bon mots. WTH. Well, let the record show that I did blog this weekend (well, Sunday, anyway) and it was longer than a sentence long. It was probably, like, 4-5 sentences, nicely spaced and everything. You are just going to have to take my word on that, I guess. And by "you," I mean absolutely no one because I have not told anyone that I am back to blogging. Because who cares?!

I started the day with a run (I didn't feel very strong, but eh, I'll take it) and then moonwalked down to Brentwood Medical for one of the best massages of my life. I popped an Ativan before going in, so by the time my hour was up, I was in the land of Ooo and was feeling fine. I might have to make this a monthly gig. My back has been killing me lately; and general stress from work means I walk around with my neck all bunched up like a freaking Skeksis most days, so I think I can legitimately claim therapeutic massage as a medical expense. We shall see, my children!

Sunday, April 07, 2013

Ok, I Get it Now

I Think I See What is Happening Here

 Maybe I should have made this the 30-30-60? Because apparently I can swing "writing" a "post" once every 2 days, but knocking out 27 words on absolutely nothing once a day is too much for my overburdened mind. But you know what? Sca-rew it. If it takes me 60 days to get back into the swing of things with this blog, I do not care. Because finally, I miss it. I do! I miss popping up here every so often. I miss telling you people (and by "you people") I mean the imaginary throngs -- THRONGS -- of you reading this blog about donating plasma and StonesFest and occasionally hearing Mark Lamarr play my song requests BBC Radio Two, gatdammit,

Speaking of The Rolling Stones, they just announced their North American tour dates and apparently, they're offering a limited number of seats in each venue for $85, with the added perk that your ticket MIGHT get you a spot up close and personal in "the Tongue Pit." The deal is, you won't know until you show up for the gig. Tickets are sold in pairs.

So I guess I'm about to spend $170 bucks tomorrow.

Friday, April 05, 2013

When Things Go From Bad to Worse


  Can I stop fucking up, please? Can I focus and just follow through for once? Can I not sabotage myself with stupid instant gratification and delayed action and messy thinking? I despair of ever making something of myself. 

Have a lovely weekend, everyone. Consider donating to this lovely young man, who is fighting for his life after saving people from a fire.

Thursday, April 04, 2013

Sick and Tired

I Give Up Apologizing -- I am done feeling sorry for not getting these blog posts up every day. I will get to this shit when and if I decide to do it!

 Just kidding! Y'all know I am really trying to DO SOMETHING HERE, so it's simply not an option to treat this casually. This  -- writing -- is what I do is what I am is what I be. So. It's here, it's on the scripts, it's on the short stories, it's in the novels in the plays in the pen in the ink in the ether

So. I apologize for missing/skipping a few days. Life bes like that sometimes, but I know now that anything I want to do, I gotta do in the morning, before the dew is on the roses, you know? Before I truly have time to back out and back down. It's that way with the gym; it's that way with the writing. Up and At 'Em. Rise and Shine. The Early Bird Gets the Nasty Ass Worm.

Etc. etc.

I reconnected with an old friend the other day. It was wonderful to hear from him. He's back from the woods, with quite a lot of smoothing out to do. If you're out there Bird, welcome back (I think? I hope?).

And to Tai, who KILT IT in her orals and can now be called "Dr. [name redacted]," can I just say "gwan, girl!" The world needs more black girl geniuses out there. Rise and Shine, baby.

Monday, April 01, 2013

I Didn't Get Any Chocolate

And I'm Starting to Feel the Effects, To Be Honest -- I have to say, I am a little bit in love with this blogging experiment, because my whole connection seems so charmingly retro, now! Also, I'm no longer living with Julie, so I have about 9000% less funny stuff to say. But! Ladies and gentleman, I want you to rest assured that no matter how boring it becomes, I am going to finish this 30-30-30 and after that I will probably just turn this into a recipe blog or maybe a parking place for story ideas or dream journal bullet points or something. So, you know, have no fear. YOU ARE STILL GOING TO BE ENTERTAINED. I am only on week 2 of my Daniel Fast, but I am already so damn insufferable about it, you'd think I'd been chilling with anchorites all year. For goodness sakes -- it's not like I'm starving over here. I just miss cheese so much. I took that shit for granted, you know? You never miss your cheese until the dairy well is dry. First day back in the gym after taking last week off due to crippling back pain. I did a hardcore granny workout that barely broke a sweat, but hey -- baby steps. What do you people want from me that I am not already killing myself to give you?!

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Back From the Dead

"Death, I Got Some Bad News" -- A lovely Easter weekend out here in the city of Angels. A fairly sedate Saturday (who am I kidding -- a VERY sedate Saturday) and then an almost completely horizontal Sunday. Absolutely cracking sunrise Easter service this year. Easter is my favorite holiday. The sense of renewal and redemption and hope for a new season almost overwhelms me, year after year. And then I eat ham, and everything just seems so great. This year, there is no ham. No champagne. No rolls, no quiche, no shrimp grits. I'm on Day 6 of my Daniel Fast, and I'm still body-rocking the vegan lifestyle over here. Things are starting to get easier. Like, my crippling cheese cravings have largely subsided. And I don't miss sugar at all -- except I do, because it's in fucking everything. I want to make a stir-fry tonight and I'm trying like hell to come up with a substitute (that's allowed on the fast) for the sugar that balances out most stir fry sauces. I'm thinking apple cider vinegar. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm sure you're all holding your breath. Oh, and I'm about to finally start watching The Walking Dead. Mainly because I want to cosplay as Michonne this year if my Lana Kane outfit goes tits up (you get it? Lana? Lana. Lanaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!).

Saturday, March 30, 2013


I KEEP MISSING A DAY Well, 2 days total. But I've only been back at this for like, 10 days! What in the heck is wrong with me? Why can't I even do this one simple thing right?! Supposed to hang out with Paul tonight, but the back is playing up and so hello, Darvocet and hello, Doctor Who and hello, I got sunrise Easter service tomorrow anyway, so goodbye, any plans of going out for tonight. Not that I care. Because I luuuuuurve my room and I luuuuuurve Doctor Who and I luuuuuurve medical grade drugs wait what just kidding anyway have a great night, kids, and if you celebrate Easter...hey -- tomorrow is almost here! Good news! Very good news. Oh, and here is my favorite Easter-themed piece of reading of all time (except for, you know, the actual Passion Play:This Unrestful Sabbath.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Ok, So I Missed One

I missed posting yesterday, but I worked on my book, so y'all can kiss my ass if you think that I am going to feel bad about it. I don't even know when my blogging ganas is going to kick back in! I might get to the end of this 30-30-30 and not have anything to show for it other than a handful of two paragraph witterings! FFS. I could do that anytime! In an effort to make this post about something OTHER than my normal non-bullshit, however, let's talk about the fact that I am on Day 4 of my Daniel Fast, and things appear to be going ok! I miss cheese and tea. Whooo boy, do I miss cheese. I couldn't care less about meat or eggs or anything else, but the fact that I can't have cheese is killing me softly. But you know what? I'm not gonna lie: I do feel a little bit less bloatey and weird and ...sketchy. Now -- I am not doing this fast for dietary reasons, and I am not doing it to lose weight. I'm doing it because I care deeply about the Lenten season but apparently didn't care enough to actually start this fast on Ash Wednesday like a normal flipping person, but instead waited until the week before Easter (and my annual Easter Feaster!) to start a 21 day restrictive eating program for spiritual clarity. BUT ANYWAY, I am in it to win it and like I said -- I miss cheese. Man! I spent some time looking for cheese alternatives at Whole Foods this morning ( I figure that those suckers probably got this vegan thing on lock), but none of that ish looked appetizing. I think I'll just try to put dairy goodness entirely out of my mind for the next 2 weeks and chill with these sesame noodles. Hope you're all well.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

But What's Really Going On?

Oh my. Oh my. Oh my oh my oh my! Got news today that I might -- if luck intervenes and weather holds and the gods will it -- get to go to Bonnaroo for work this year. I've been wanting to go to Bonnaroo for yonks, but can never a)get that much time off work; b) afford it; c) justify it when there's so much else going on. But if someone else is paying? And I have a shaded tent to stay in and be a homebase?? Hello, somebody! I've already started planning when I'll sneak away to see the bands and comedians I want, while maintaining a rigorous nap schedule in the booth. This summer is going to be OMG YOU GUYS I MIGHT GET TO GO TO BONNAROO

Monday, March 25, 2013

Back up, back up

I've been having intermittent back pain for the past few days, but woke up today entirely unable to deal. No idea what brought this on (probably my world-class hypochondria?) but I can barely stand, sit, or walk without pain. Just found some 3 year old Darvocet in the medicine cabinet, so I'm off to the races. Check back with me in a few hours, make sure I wake up.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Eh, fuck you anyway

Now I'm in a fucked up mood over some trifling ish that somebody said and I wish I could just roll with it and tae kwon do that motherfucker. But, I am the definition of an overdramatic, oversensitive dork so I am just sitting here stewing. ANTYway, I am clearly being a big dork when it comes to this "30-30-30" thing, but I haven't missed a day yet, so that's one thing going for me. Now if I could just find the energy and interest in writing something more than a half-assed couple of paragraphs... That will be the day.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Start Like You Intend to Finish

So a cat I follow on Facebook was talking about Benedict Cumberbatch this morning (from Sherlock to the new Star Trek, BC has got the nerd game on lock right now) and this dude described Cumberbatch as possessing a "Shakespearean disrespect." Let that marinate a minute. It goes over and beyond the prosaic kinds of simply not giving a shit. It's past patrician; dude's utterly classical in his ability to simply disregard the de facto lesser concerns of other mortals. I was dying. That phrase is so good. I'm gonna start using it. I should let Kenji know first, though.

Friday, March 22, 2013

On Being A Hater

I have spent my entire life being secretly consumed with envy for anyone who seems to have the slightest bit of "togetherness" about them. It's ridiculous. I can't seem to catch a break in about a million different crucial areas, but that's 99% my fault, so I'm not sure why or when I decided that obsessively checking my totals against someone else's was going to make for easy, uncomplicated rest and satisfied living. At any rate, it's Friday afternoon, and the work week is almost done (almost). I am determined to do nothing this weekend that doesn't make me feel better. Church, running, hanging out with Lily, cleaning up my omnishambles of a bedroom...it's all going on the agenda and scrubbing this foul mood from my psyche. I can't go into another week carting all this bile around. Yeesh.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

And I'm Ok With This

It's been a long, hard week. For everyone, it seems. We've all been in a bad mood, and we're all being dicks to each other. We should not do that, people. For everyone of you who has been all incredulous about why the world is suddenly full of assholes right now, there's a couple other people wondering why your salty ass is walking the streets, too. I'm just saying. Franklin is out on some crazy hot date tonight. I'm super jealous. Not that she's out on a date, but that she is so fearless and keeps putting herself out there. I'm not interested in the motherflipping slightest in dating someone right now. Just got dumped, pretty badly, and to be honest, I feel like love is a scam. A scam, people! But! I still wish I was the kind of person who wanted to be dating. You know? Like, I feel like I might be all dried up like a cornhusk doll on the inside. And that's creepy, you know?

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Welcome back...your dreams were your ticket out

HA HA HA I'm back I'm doing the 30-30-30 (that's my own modification of the "30-30" plan, wherein you commit to writing 30 blog posts in 30 days). I'm giving myself an even greater chance of success by adding the "...in 30 minutes" caveat. That is, I'm not allowed to spend more than 30 minutes on any one blog post. Will I write something in that time? Unlikely? Will I get into the habit of doing something -- anything -- in that time? Yes. It's weird being back here. I haven't posted in 4 years -- FOUR years! I've been writing in that time, obviously: I think I've accrued a novel, a pot of short stories, a script, and a million drafts-in-progress in that time. But I haven't posted here. I've been busy tweeting and tumbling and twittering and pinning and avoiding this kind of writing, which has gone back to being very scary for some reason. I've been running away from introspection. So be it! This blog will become something new. Maybe. Maybe it will stay the same exact way. Oh well. Basura it is (love that word). Welcome back to The Get Down, naturalos.