Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Their Stupid Fucking Who Cares Baby

When it comes to recaps and reviews of stuff I am never gonna watch, I trust two people: AdmiralNeck and Gabe.

"Gossip Girl"

It's time to read Bart Bass's will. Lilly won't be there because she is in Boston with Rufus trying to track down their secret monster adoption nightmare. But Chuck has asked Blair to go with him, and the mysterious new character Uncle Jack will be there, of course. Oh, and here we go, Nate shows up at the last second because he figured Chuck could use "backup." Backup? Take it easy, T.J. McCabe. Besides, if Chuck ever needed backup it was probably last week when he almost fell to his death from the roof of a burlesque club, but OK, you thought he needed backup.

Quickly, Uncle Jack is made Chuck's legal guardian. Wait. I'm no lawyer, but I feel like the reading of a will is a very specific legal procedure, while the state's assignment of legal guardianship to teenagers is a completely separate issue. Then again, when Chuck and Uncle Jack are negotiating the rules of their relationship and Chuck asks "can girls sleep over at night?" Uncle Jack does make an awesome "yes, please," joke that hasn't been this funny since Austin Powers, so, you know, sustained. Recess. Put him in charge of all the children, and then put me in charge of all the mouth guns. (Mouth guns?) So, the board retains 29% of Bass Industries and Lilly gets a 20% stake in the company, but as Uncle Jack points out "that still leaves 51%, that's the controlling interest." Math lesson! This show is for toddlers.


If 2008 gave us nothing else (and it didn't), at least it gave us videogum.

When it comes to shit I have seen, I like to defer to Reggie Eggert at FiyaStarter, because no one else cares about 'Dat Nu like he does (and I do).


"The Day The Earth Stood Still"

Take that, Will Smith!

The only person with more clutch saves over the last decade than Keanu Reeves is Mariano Rivera. The Day the Earth Stood Still, a vastly superior remake of the 1950s B-movie, is Dat ‘Nu’s greatest cinematic achievement. Everything about this film plays to his greatest strengths.

As Klaatu, an alien being sent to destroy mankind before it completely destroys the Earth, Keanu is able to employ his natural stoicism, monotone speech and deadpan delivery.

Moreover, he gets to save the world again. It’s the part he was born to play, and he gives the performance of a lifetime. In my opinion, the Oscar race for male lead is done. Of course he won’t get it, because of politics and all, but Denzel didn’t win for Malcolm X either.


Lord Jesus! Why are these people trying to give me a heart attack? Why must I cry? Why?

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