I finessed my way into the Hellboy II screening at Graumann's on Tuesday. I have no particular love but an odd residual affection for the first one; and after tripping my way through Pan's Labryinth on a heady cocktail of cheap white wine and Xanax*, I knew that I had to ride the del Toro eyeless-freak train all the way to the station. Visually, Hellboy II doesn't disappoint. Well, actually it does disappoint, but only in the sense that every speculative/fantastic/science fictional film in recent memory cribs off of every other one in an endlessly recursive circle jerk. Everyone seems to have agreed that aliens look like this and the future looks like this and pan-humanity looks like this and so on. It pleases and infuriates in roughly equal measure, I think, to play a game of cinematic bingo: you see how many tropes you recognize from other texts and try to outnerd the rest of the homeboys in the comic book store. There are prizes for being the first person to identify a design that references something else ("he totally stole that from Predator") or the only person to identify some esoteric bullshittery ("that's clearly an homage to Bunuel"). Anyway, once you get past the shit you've seen elsewhere, Hellboy II really is quite amazing to look at. The script was just ridiculous, but I have the eight year old boy's hatred of love stories and kissing in my adventure movies. I would have liked more of Prince Nuada's albino ninja ass and less of his simpering Kira-looking twin sister
but that's just me.
*still not sleeping that great
As an aside, I checked imdb last week, and apparently the dude who played Nuada is one half of Bros! Which is only interesting because I had never heard of Bros before that summer in high school that I lived in Japan. My youngest host sister (word up, Iku) was obsessed with them Aryan androids. And so were all of her friends. So I heard one of the Bros cds a whole lot. The only song I remember, curiously enough, is "Black and White," which is a subtle* elegiac on interracial harmony -- this is curious only insomuch as there are some absolutely terrible "jokes" about interspecies love in Hellboy II, and I wondered if Luke Goss ever sat in his trailer plucking at his leather skirt and crying about how our society still haven't gotten it together, even after he and his creepy twin brother drew us that musical roadmap. Also: he's a twin in real life, and he plays a twin in this movie. In other boring news no one cares about, he is also apparently not gay.
I don't believe you, Luke Goss. You need more people
I actually thought that was part of the Bros schtick -- that the Gosses were gay. I'm not the only one who thought that, right? Holler if you hear me, Abercrombie & Fitch supporters! Casual homophobia, am I right?! High five! No, seriously, the Gosses were just two dudes who I always believed were gay. And androids. And for the record, their creepiness was related only to the latter, not the former.
Anyway, Luke and his long-time wife, SomethingOrOther live here in LA! If I ever see this dude, I am going to try to get his autograph and send it to Iku. Even now, 15 years later, I bet she would lose her mind.
Um, so I had a bunch of other stuff to talk about, but I am going to go sit in the corner for awhile and relax. I'm going to leave you with some tomfoolery sent to me by someone who knows that she better start getting right, right damn now.
*not really very subtle at all