People! Why the fuck am I getting a certified letter from my dentist? Why can't she just call and tell me this news? What is in there that she needs to make sure that I know...and in case of a malpractice lawsuit, can legally prove that I knew (that's the only reason to send someone a certified letter -- so that you can prove they received it)?
Because this is already too long, let me summarize the letter for you: a) we may have to wire your jaw shut for awhile; b) you have to go on a liquid diet for 4-6 weeks; c) don't forget, your jaw may shatter at any time. See ya in a few weeks, sucka.
I bitched and moaned and vacillated for awhile, but what could I do? All the dentists I'd seen were telling me that the benefits outweighed the risks. Essentially, the issue was this: I could get the surgery now and possibly get my jaw broken, or I could leave the teeth, develop the likely infection, and then definitely get my jaw broken when they had to go in later and take it out. So I went in. February 15th, Fergus C. Tucker escorted me to the dental clinic where I was placed under sedation and ... oh wait! Did I say that, sometime between them sending me the certified letter and the day I showed up for surgery, they decided that it was just too risky to get that terrorist tooth on the lower left side (the jawbreaker)? Like, the [new] oral surgeon just refused to do it. This was my third oral surgeon, by the way. No one wanted any piece of this procedure. They kept having to re-assign me. That's how fucked up it was. So as they're prepping me for the procedure, the third and final guy says, "We're definitely taking the other three, but we're going to go in and take only the crown of that devil tooth. Hopefully, your body will then reject the rest and push the roots further up so that we can go back in later and pull them out. Or something. Keep your fingers crossed, sucka!"
I went under, someone stood on my face and jackhammered the teeth out of my skull (or something -- I'm not sure about the actual mechanics involved) and abracadabra! I looked like the nutty professor. Just swole!
I've had nothing but trouble since the surgery. It's been about 6 weeks, and I can only eat soft foods that don't require a lot of chewing. I mean, being the chubs that I am, I try to do it anyway, but I inevitably pay for it with hours of excruciating pain. They opened a passage between my sinus cavity and the upper left socket, so that I when I rinse my mouth the liquid shoots out of my nose. I still have to take the Vicodin and ibuprofen mix every day, and I got an infection in both upper sockets. I discovered that the night that I had my mouth fill with pus THAT'S RIGHT I SAID MY MOUTH FILLED WITH PUS and thought to myself, "You know, that seems out of the ordinOHMYJESUSCHOKEGASP."
What made it super exciting for me was when I went back to the clinic the next day in a panic and the resident who barely cracked my mouth open said "Ah, that's just food debris. You need to make sure you're rinsing better. So long, sucka!"
So, yeah...I got a new dentist,because I've been alive a long time, and I know the difference between "masticated noodle" and "yellow-green ooze that smells and tastes like a demon shit in my mouth." Because of my jacked up health insurance, however, I have to pay the new dentist myself until the month runs out, because you can't have two different providers in a single month.
And that concludes the saga of "Why I Haven't Been Around For Awhile." See! It wasn't just laziness this time!