Sunday, March 25, 2007

Jaw'll Are Trying to Destroy Me (part 3)

People! Why the fuck am I getting a certified letter from my dentist? Why can't she just call and tell me this news? What is in there that she needs to make sure that I know...and in case of a malpractice lawsuit, can legally prove that I knew (that's the only reason to send someone a certified letter -- so that you can prove they received it)?

Because this is already too long, let me summarize the letter for you: a) we may have to wire your jaw shut for awhile; b) you have to go on a liquid diet for 4-6 weeks; c) don't forget, your jaw may shatter at any time. See ya in a few weeks, sucka.

I bitched and moaned and vacillated for awhile, but what could I do? All the dentists I'd seen were telling me that the benefits outweighed the risks. Essentially, the issue was this: I could get the surgery now and possibly get my jaw broken, or I could leave the teeth, develop the likely infection, and then definitely get my jaw broken when they had to go in later and take it out. So I went in. February 15th, Fergus C. Tucker escorted me to the dental clinic where I was placed under sedation and ... oh wait! Did I say that, sometime between them sending me the certified letter and the day I showed up for surgery, they decided that it was just too risky to get that terrorist tooth on the lower left side (the jawbreaker)? Like, the [new] oral surgeon just refused to do it. This was my third oral surgeon, by the way. No one wanted any piece of this procedure. They kept having to re-assign me. That's how fucked up it was. So as they're prepping me for the procedure, the third and final guy says, "We're definitely taking the other three, but we're going to go in and take only the crown of that devil tooth. Hopefully, your body will then reject the rest and push the roots further up so that we can go back in later and pull them out. Or something. Keep your fingers crossed, sucka!"

I went under, someone stood on my face and jackhammered the teeth out of my skull (or something -- I'm not sure about the actual mechanics involved) and abracadabra! I looked like the nutty professor. Just swole!
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I've had nothing but trouble since the surgery. It's been about 6 weeks, and I can only eat soft foods that don't require a lot of chewing. I mean, being the chubs that I am, I try to do it anyway, but I inevitably pay for it with hours of excruciating pain. They opened a passage between my sinus cavity and the upper left socket, so that I when I rinse my mouth the liquid shoots out of my nose. I still have to take the Vicodin and ibuprofen mix every day, and I got an infection in both upper sockets. I discovered that the night that I had my mouth fill with pus THAT'S RIGHT I SAID MY MOUTH FILLED WITH PUS and thought to myself, "You know, that seems out of the ordinOHMYJESUSCHOKEGASP."

What made it super exciting for me was when I went back to the clinic the next day in a panic and the resident who barely cracked my mouth open said "Ah, that's just food debris. You need to make sure you're rinsing better. So long, sucka!"

So, yeah...I got a new dentist,because I've been alive a long time, and I know the difference between "masticated noodle" and "yellow-green ooze that smells and tastes like a demon shit in my mouth." Because of my jacked up health insurance, however, I have to pay the new dentist myself until the month runs out, because you can't have two different providers in a single month.

And that concludes the saga of "Why I Haven't Been Around For Awhile." See! It wasn't just laziness this time!

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Electric Mayhem said...

So....the silver lining is that you get a steady supply of vicodin?

thptpth said...

Daaaaaamn, girl!

I was all ready to rag on you about the lateness, too. But now I have nothing in my heart but sympathy for you.

Glad to have you back. Hope the demon shit stays at a minimum.

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meldog said...

I'm sorry to hear that life has taken a sharp turn into M. Night Shayalamalalayman territory, Glass Jaw, though I'm glad that Fergus is taking care of you. Good for you for switching out dentists. You could see it coming with the registered letter. Research 1, and you can't treat pus-in-the-mouth? Please. Good luck with that strategic plan!

Can I tell you a tooth story now? Because I treat these comment boxes like the email, and, really, like we're having a phone conversation, only you're being surprisingly quiet.

So, with those dozen years of grad school receding in the mirror, I've finally called on the orthodontist, who, after taking a round of humiliating pictures (sure to surface on an Internet near you), told me, "I can fix those snaggleteeth for six thousand dollars. And since you have such great credit [hey--all those ballpark applications for free aprons and fishing hats have paid off!], we can put you on an installment plan blah blah blah." Six thousand dollars? I can get my bunions shaved for half that!

I hope.

Chin up on that soft food diet, gummy! Your fans in greater Green Bay are rooting for you (though Vegas says odds are 12 to 1 for the devil tooth--stupid Vegas!)

Come on: do you even read these?

Adams said...

@ electric mayhem:

Man, I was having to ration those Vicodin prescriptions like whoa. I finally ran out two days ago. So far, I'm able to maintain on the ibuprofen alone, but I do wonder about any damage I'm doing to my liver?kidneys? something. I mean, if you read the directions and warnings on a bottle of ibuprofen, it counsels you not to a) take more than 1200 mgs in a 24 hour period; b) not to take that much for more than 10 consecutive days. Dude. I been eating that stuff (1800-2400 mgs) like candy for the past 7 weeks. Am I doing myself an injury? Who knows? My face hurts.

@ thptpth:

That's all I'm asking for, people! Just a little mf'ing sympathy.

@ Carmen:

I'll think about it and get back to you.

@ meldog:

I just saw Ang Smith, and she says that you better recognize: they have both phones AND email in Utah now. Use one or the other, but waste no time getting in touch.

*FYI, she didn't actually employ this phrasing*

Electric Mayhem said...

Broc - I used to take Tylenol PM to help me sleep until one morning I woke up and my liver hurt, and I wasn't even abusing it (two a night, not that many consecutive nights). Dru's friend Jeff, who's a nurse, then told me the harm it can do and recommended Benadryl as a better alternative, though I now like to stick with something more *ahem* herbal. Not that any of this helps you with your pain, but...something to think about.

Zach said...

Ok, you win.

Holy effing trauma, woman. I think I'm scarred just having read this account; I can't imagine actually enduring it. So sorry you have that pleasure (though, personally I'm a little disappointed that you didn't get the Dr. Doom jaw).

Is medical marijuana allowed in MN yet? I still have some Vicodin left from my last sinus infection - I don't suppose it's legal to send that to you in the mail...? In any case, feel better. How's the sawed-off tooth rejection thing going?