Thursday, June 22, 2006

I Don't Think You're Ready For This Jelly

It's been a long time
I shouldn't have left you
Without a dope beat to step to (step to..step to...step to)





Ok, I know that I've been a straight ghost lately, but now that *someone* (probably my loud ass) alerted the neighbors to the fact that I was pirating their wifi like a damn modern-day Blackbeard, I can't hook up at the house anymore. I either post from campus or from Anodyne (coffeeshop where I used to work/eat for free/pick up tricks) or I don't post at all. And since I rarely feel like hiking to campus these days, and I don't feel like paying for a cup of coffee just so I can sit somewhere and update your lazy behinds (don't people just call a sister to talk, anymore? Kidding! Everyone knows I hate to talk on the phone), I've been pretty incognegro these days. Have no fear, kids. I'm back, I'm in charge, and I'm here to reassure that things are all good in the 'hood.

First: I applied for, interviewed at, and accepted a position here. Come September, I'll be the latest ho on the block in the American Studies department. It's an adjunct gig (read: non-tenure track), but it's going to look effing fabulous on my CV. Coupled with the administrative position I'm trying to work on the side, I should have my professional development on lock. This will make things a lot easier once I finally blow to L.A. Which is now going to happen in summer '07, rather than summer '06. What can I say? It was a crazy opportunity, and I felt like I needed to acknowledge the universe's providence in this. I have got mounting debt like a third world nation, kids. Mama's gotta go for hers.

Second: I've been busting my ass on the plantation for the last month or so...and let me tell you something. Customer service is cute when you're 25 and just hustling for beer and weed money. It's not so savory when you're 31 and just trying to avoid complete indigence. I have to fight not to take people to the cross when I get a little extra bourgeois attitude as I serve up lattes and quiche (I'm back to the waitstaff hustle); while it shouldn't matter that I have a degree and impending monster authority* as a professor at a prestigious liberal arts school, I have to admit, sometimes I want to grab people by the throat and be like "who the fuck do you think you're talking to?! I'm not just some nucca off the street." But the fact is, those uptight, high maintenance, indulged and privileged fools shouldn't talk to anyone in the ways that they do -- not even just some nucca off the street. Ridiculous. Believe that on my last day, I will be schooling some people as I hand over their iced entitlements.

* yeah, right


Three: I had a lovely visit this month from the boy. He was only in town for a few days, so we ate, talked, drank, and got maniacally busy. He's sprung, I'm happy, and all's well in Oz. Cue my Bonnie-and-Clyde safebuster from around the way and a million years ago to pop up out of the lust woodwork and let me know he's going to be in town next month. Lord, help your child not to jump his ass when I see him.

Four: I smell bacon.


(That last bit is for Fergus, who loves Kevin Bacon fiercely. Pretend that there's a funny picture of Kevin Bacon right here. Blogger is being a right c*nt and won't let me post pictures at the mo.Actually, maybe Blogger knows what it's doing; have you seen KB lately? He's looking increasingly like a middle-aged lesbian, for real)

Five: Shout out to The Mighty Aphrodite, whose son is going through some soap opera-style rapid aging, because I think that little knucklehead is already one. Crazy.


And with that, I've run out of stuff to tell you. I'm sure I'll have more soon, though. Until then --

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I Can't Believe I'm Breaking My Silence With This

But, anyway, in case any of you bitches cared:

You Are a Boston Creme Donut

You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you.
But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft.
You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily.
You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out.